I have a super power.
I can worry, full throttle, about two completely contradictory things at the same time. I’ll illustrate with a current example:
As soon as Ira turned one, I began to worry that I was nursing him both for too long, and too short. Apparently my definition of “too long” was any moment past age one, and my definition of “too short” was any moment less than two years. I could work up a good head of steam on both of these themes at the same time. See? It really is quite the superpower (And, need I say? This is not Gail’s favorite part of my personality).
I’ve met my goal of nursing for a solid year. I was able pump at the office and kept Ira in breastmilk-only for that whole time, with the help of a good freezer stash from when Gail was nursing (though most of that surplus was donated to an adoptive family). Ira has nursed well, gained weight beautifully, and been an extremely pleasant nursing companion. He’s snuggly, and doesn’t kick, pinch, or bite (though I had to be pretty firm with him on that last one). So, it’s not just that I nursed; I actually nursed really well, enjoyed it, and am grateful to have had such a positive experience since I built up the whole thing after not nursing Leigh (actually, that’s not quite true, I did comfort nurse Leigh some, but the point remains: my time as a non-bio-non-milk-producing mom definitely impacted my view/hopes/dreams heading into nursing Ira).
As silly as it seems to be worrying about these impossibly contradictory things, I actually didn’t make up these pressures. The AAP guidelines recommend nursing for one year, and I know from friends that some doctors seem to treat that as a deadline; as soon as your baby turns one, your doctor starts encouraging weaning (thankfully, that’s not the case for us). I’ve heard from other moms that constant questions (sometimes from virtual strangers) regarding “when are you going to wean” get really old during year two. On the other hand, sources like KellyMom treat any nursing less than two years as suspect (this agrees with the WHO guideline embraced by hippies everywhere). So both of these worries I have are real, at least in the sense that there are many people out there right this very instant who would think I’m nursing Ira too long, and there are many other people who firmly believe that if I stop now, it will be a mistake.
When I worry about nursing too long and too short at once, I’m measuring my actions against standards outside my own family, and as it turns out, these standards actually are contradictory. But when I set aside the double-hamster-wheel worrying, and ask what I want, for myself, my son, and my family, it turns out I am actually ready to be done.
I’m ready for us to have complete freedom regarding who is with either of the kids 24/7. I’m ready to share more of that 5 am feeding duty. I’m ready to get my body back as my own, and work on finishing some of the healing that’s been on hold until I’m done nursing. I can see our son growing up, and I believe he can do this. For now, I’m enjoying a little more low-pressure-no-pumping nursing, but the end is likely near. The more I think about it, examining what I see in Ira, how my feelings are changing, and how the balance in our family has subtly shifted as we’ve gradually dropped one, two, three feedings (we’re down to two), it feels like the right choice for us.
First Time Second Time 
I am happy you took the time to listen to yourself, and what you feel is right for your family.
remember
“they are more like guidelines, anyway”
I wonder if our mothers worried about what the books say is the “right” way to do all this? And then again i wonder why we in this generation think our parents did such a bad job that we have to DO better and thus reinvent the wheel using books,DVDs, studies and Waldorf.
All it seems to be doing is stressing new parents out.
I probably overemphasized the “guidelines” here. This post started as a feeling of conflict that seemed inexplicable, but then I realized there were real pressures contributing to the feeling and, what do you know, contradictory guidelines. It was more like I went to the guidelines as a way to document I wasn’t completely out of my head to feel like I was in a somewhat impossible position.
And I’m with you Malea on not discounting what our parents did. We actually rely pretty heavily on input from both of our parents. Come to think of it, I may have a chat with my mom about this, since she nursed three of us until about this age. I wonder how much she remembers of how it went.
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the most important thing about the nursing relationship, IMO is that you feed for as long as is wanted for both you and the babe. a lot of kids ween themselves sooner and i don’t think that can or should be fought.
i think you also have to put the WHO into perspective. for a woman living in the bush in ghana, it would be totally unreasonable for her to stop breast feeding before 2 – and the WHO guidelines are written to include woman and babies like her.
GB — I completely agree re: the WHO guidelines, though they get trucked out frequently in the states with little of the exact context you point out.
I’ve always taken the same approach: nursing instinctually, I call it. Listening to my gut rather than recommendations of experts, friends, or family members. And for me, this has applied to way more than just the weaning time table. It’s also affected how frequently to nurse, the duration of each feeding, and whether or not to nurse through the night.
It will be interesting to see if my baby ends up weaning from both his mama and me at the same time, or if he’ll wean one of us before the other. He is now (at 12 months) nursing me way more frequently than he ever did before, though my supply is virtually non-existent. When his mama is away/working, I nurse him to sleep for naps and bed, sometimes when he wakes in the night, and then for comfort throughout the day. Our other babies all upped their nursing frequency at this age as well, so I guess it makes sense. I feel like I’m just now finally having the nursing relationship with him that I was hoping for all along.
I’m so glad for you that nursing has gone so well!
Thanks for this Lex. So often when folks talk about “nursing instinctually,” in the same breath they rule out weaning near a year as a reasonable possibility. It means a lot that you don’t make that same assumption. Also, it must be so nice to have hit such a good rhythm with L yourself.
I’m new here… found you from blue milk…. I’m dealing with weaning twins who each have their own timelines. I wrote this post (http://www.hdydi.com/2010/06/weaning-on-two-or-three-different-timelines), I’ve realized more and more that I have to do this on their timeline(s), whatever they might be – and of course they are subject to change tomorrow 🙂