Comment Policy

Part of our goal in writing here is to provide a space for parents, particularly those in queer families, to have a place to talk about our families and the roles within them. With that goal in mind, it is important for us to maintain a space in which queer parents feel safe. It is also important to us to have a space that respects all parents. In particular, we are concerned that respect be shown for parents who are not genetically related to their children and parents who have used donor gametes to grow their families. We also want to maintain a space open enough to welcome everyone who is involved in or with such families — parents, children, donors, grandparents, school teachers, doctors, donor conceived people, daycare providers, and everyone in our communities. With such a varied group, and one that may include people with differing opinions, we find the following guidelines useful:

  • We take it as a given that lesbians, gay men, transgender people, bisexual people, and single women and men can make outstanding parents. If you do not take that for granted as well, this is probably not the community for you. Hateful speech of any kind will not be tolerated and comments that include homophobic statements or are disrespectful of transgender people will not be approved or will be deleted.
  • If you are unfamiliar with parenting by queers or transgender people, you are welcome to ask questions, but be careful to do so respectfully, and there’s no guarantee you’ll get an answer.
  • We take it as a given that genetic connections are not the essential building block of familial relationships, and that those of us with children (or parents) to whom we are not genetically related are especially vulnerable in our society. Hence, we will not approve (or will delete) comments on this blog that we deem to disrespect such relationships in any way. Please note that in stating this, we are not implying that genetic relationships are unimportant, whether those genetic connections are to family members, gamete donors, or birth parents. We each have a genetic link to one of our children and we cherish those connections, but they are not more important than other aspects of our relationships.
  • We want to be engaging in conversations about relationships and roles in families that are genuine and reflect the struggles that we have as parents. In real life, relationships are difficult, and we don’t think that queer people (or their children) should have to censure themselves to present only our best faces to the world. So please be real, and read the comments of others with consideration and sympathy. Our paths are all different, and we need all of our voices to be heard.
  • We reserve the right to delete any comment that simply serves as advertisement for a product or a website.

We prefer to include many and varied comments, and particularly value comments from those with experiences different than ours. Historically, we’ve been extremely lucky that the vast majority of comments in this space, even when they have taken issue with something we’ve written, have been respectful (we can count the times we’ve had to pull comments on one hand). However, if you say overtly disparaging things about gay, lesbian, bi or trans people, or our children and families, your comment will not be approved.


4 thoughts on “Comment Policy”

  1. Thank you so much for this site. It is helpful for me in my unique situation. Explaination…I am the (for the purposes of explaining my family structure) adoptive mother of 3 children with my ex husband, in a relationship with a wonderful person who is FTM. It is difficult at times to know what and when and how to explain the process of “transitioning” to our children, whom she has taken in as her own and knowing how to help them define the roles of each of their 3 parents. Thank you for the great reading and helpful hints on this bumpy road called parenting.

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. What a wonderful resource. I’m not at the point of starting a family yet, but I’m glad to know that this is here for when I do take that leap. Cheers!

  3. I am so grateful for this site! I am a 37 yr old f who is in a new relationship with my partner transitioning mtf. This is new for her too. She came out with me so we are in the beginning stages of this. I absolutely love her heart and mind and that’s what’s important. I will visit here often and would love to chat and help when I can. Thanks

  4. I have been with my (now) fiance for over three years. I’ve known since very early in the relationship that my partner identified as male (ftm). For a long time he did not plan to start hormone therapy, use male pronouns (publicly), or see a therapist. Anything ftm related was strictly private. He was struggling with his gender identity and his desire to serve his country in the military. Unfortunately those two pieces of him could not be fully embraced simultaneously.Though I’ve read the military may be making progress in that area. He is now using male pronouns (as you can see), seeing a therapist, and has an appointment to speak with a doctor about starting hormones. This is all very recent. I am so happy (and a little relieved even) he has come to the decision to come out to others because he is already so much happier than he was even just a couple months ago. As for me, I’m having a difficult time cutting myself slack for the adjustments I need to make. This process is more difficult than I initially pictured, mostly because I am experiencing certain emotions I had not anticipated. I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing or making mistakes because “I of all people should know what he wants/needs and be setting an example.” Our communication has always been good and our relationship is incredibly strong, in my opinion. He was amazingly supportive earlier this year when I was facing some mental health concerns. I want to be the rock for him that he was for me and am experiencing a lot of fear that I am inadequate. Bennett is in the process of coming out to all family and friends, but he has concerns about not being taken seriously. Some family had a difficult time with Brie being a lesbian, so how will they react to Brie being Bennett? I worry if I slip and use a female pronoun that reinforces his fears. I wish there was more I could do, but for now I am trying my best to accept that this is a process, a lot is unknown, and I will never be perfect, but I am a solid, supportive partner. Oh! I am a cis, queer woman and I struggle with the fact that I will never fully understand how Ben feels and what this is like for him. Anyway, that’s my story! I am so grateful that this blog exists because it makes me feel less alone; I’ve found many of your posts helpful and reassuring, so thank you. Cheers xx

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